I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
You Might Also Like
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
found this cool rock hiking today
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.