(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
No. YOU-buprofen.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
