Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.

Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers

Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged

that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.

I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum

[on Shark Tank]

me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”

I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.

Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo

The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess

Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..

*how I slept

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

Get off of twitter and pay attention to me

Netflix, probably

This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel

[gets bit by spider]

[I don’t get powers]

[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

Batman – utility belt.

Homer Simpson – futility belt.