Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: why are you smiling?

[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]

Me: I was thinking about you.

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.

Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.

*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.

me:

professor x: yes, i can read minds

me:

professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one

How my wife saves money:

Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.

Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?

*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*

a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦‍♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦‍♂️😏🤦‍♂️😉🤦‍♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.

My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”

Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They’re calling it the Apollo G.

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.

Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?

i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me

My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave

one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it