Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: this company is more profitable than ever

me: how about a raise?

boss: sorry i have to take this call

me: your phone isn’t ringing

boss: [fakes heart attack]

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?

Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.

M: *mumbles* works every time

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

[learning to drive stick]

Dad: hands at 10 and 2

Me: ok

Dad: now go ahead and shift

Me: *sweating*

Dad: shift

Me: *slowly moves hand*

Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US

14: How do you feel about people of color?

Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.

17: But you hate everyone.

14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.

Me: Please shut up.

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!

$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.

Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”

Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.

*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*

My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED

I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

Husband: *choking on a Dorito*

Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.

Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…