Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.

Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?

ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!

Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!

Me: *don’t care*

Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie

Me: *jealous rage*

I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.

He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.

This pepper has seen some $h1t.

”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box

me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want

me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah

“You’re not like the other girls.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”

i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!

ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*

13YO: wut?

Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”

The rest of the world should fear our military.

We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*

*table stretches to five pages*

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around

If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂

adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”