Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

*aggressively skips to my Lou*

Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…

Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*

Me: …Mr. Bean

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

[running into my ex while shopping]

Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.

Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.

The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

Simple enough.

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.

Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him