Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!

Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭

Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.

guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face

me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

“Can someone call me a doctor?!”

You’re a doctor.

“Please I’m losing my patience!”

You’re a terrible doctor.

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

Maybe she’s losing it.

Maybe it’s quarantine.

amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”

im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

I can fix him.

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.

If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life

[ first day of engineer school ]

teacher: and what don’t we call them

me: choo choos

teacher: [nodding] choo choos

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.