Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.

nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name

(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?

I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.

HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet

Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich

*Dog steals and eats my sandwich

Dog: Okay, I’m ready

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger. 

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house

If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

cat vs inanimate object

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.