I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
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[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”