I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
You Might Also Like
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!