Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.

That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?

😂😂😂

Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping

*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.

let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard

Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.

[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy

What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not

A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore