Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.

Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭

Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)

I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”

Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.

If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.

If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

when the doctor brings med students into your exam

My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.

Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.

Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.

Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy

Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial