Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.

They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?

I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.

My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.

whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out

Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?

Kids are like mosquitoes…

…when they stop making a noise, start worrying

had to share :’)

My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.

My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly

UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”

UK, 2020 –

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.

spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something

The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)

Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

Cashier: “Have a great day!”

Me: “No thank you.”

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.

Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”

cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong

superman: lmao they’re not on wrong

cop:

superman: wait is this wrong

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

😂😂😂😂😂😂