Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday

I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still

My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.

Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.

legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?

“I dunno, time travel”

time travel isn’t real

“neither is Santa, go to bed”

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone

Better luck next time champ

“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.

Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.

Warm pools make me nervous.

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?

Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.