I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
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Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right