Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being buried alive] you missed a spot

Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

Normalize ordering a straw with your soup

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer

Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.

He replied with: “Dream on!”

That’s very nice of him, right?

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.

Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.

Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”

Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!

Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.

Chewbacca before you swallowbacca

20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

you, an idiot: *eats a snack*

me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*

my computer: consider changing your password

me: consider fighting me in the streets

God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?

“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.

trainer: how long can you plank?

me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M