Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”

mom gave me mine for free

I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”

Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.

Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.

Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

when u come home smelling like another dog

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.

I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”

😂😂

you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house

Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.

Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

Saw this yesterday lol

Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea

This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays