I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
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Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill