I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
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HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
S O O N
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
how to market bottled water to dads
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Oh hi lol
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.