I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
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I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Yep.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]