Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*

It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!

Humans are creative.

This is why I don’t delete Facebook

The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.

*watch tv in separate rooms.

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”

I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.

The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

Sounds about right! 💯
🌐

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.

Server: Tartar sauce?

Dentist: *eyes narrow*

My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”

Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???

My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet

It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism