Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.

“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”

-women wearing uggs

Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.

Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”

Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”

British people this week:

“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”

Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house

if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly

🐶😂

Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No

You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it

Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges

Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”

When I have sex with someone I high Five them.

*slaps hands together.

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one

this is not a scam

DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.