Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.

When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

The pen is writier than the sword.

you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”

They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.

It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.

please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

Good morning

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”

“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”

My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

Did I do this right