Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can never tell what girls want

Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.

Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?

Are you a cat person or a person person?

I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now

Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.

Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.

WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG

The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.

If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨

My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”

Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.

If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles

The chicken coup is unlocked!

“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”

*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*

No, Snowball

Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?