Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

My mother: What color do you look good in?

Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.

I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians

inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends

Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]

[turns away with disappointment]

Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up

Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?

*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*

“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”

“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.

– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

[inventor of teapot]

“I want this water to scream”

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

Please, I am begging you.

Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

Me: I’d kill for your body.

Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…

Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed