I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
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Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Inside you there are two wolves
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
