I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
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Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.