Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]

Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.

You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.

Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one. The dead body one

Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one

(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure

I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing

*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?

In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.

Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?

Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax

My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “

In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”

Me: “Wait, what do they say?”

2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again

Me: what the hell…I already did this hour

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

Waffles are just pancakes with abs.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

Them: There are no stupid questions

Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?

Them: There is one stupid question

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.

You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?

6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?

Me: um…

6: when plants die can they be ghosts?

Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.