I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
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[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program