I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
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I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
The news is so predictable nowadays
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.