I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
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me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
there’s gotta be a better word for you people than cinephile
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—