Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are

The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit

me: which suit should I wear

her: I like both

[later]

her: how did the interview go

me: he asked why I wear two suits

Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.

Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.

Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

Ikea products should be cheaper, i’m doing all the work here… it’s like ordering takeout food and still having to cook it when it arrives

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?

Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well

Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

How your email finds me

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

Incredible customer service.

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

sugar glider wrangler

I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?

Speck taters

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget