I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
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Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.