I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
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Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Mornin
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?