I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
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ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I’m tired tomorrow.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.