I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
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I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
weird email i got today
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”