I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
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[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science