I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
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Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
He took my last fry, your honor
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed