“i am a sweet baby”
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Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life