“i am a sweet baby”
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If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!