Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.

OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?

(knock, knock)

He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!

*My pizza delivery guy.

husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school

15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.

Wife: I know. It’s awful.

Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…

Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.

boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!

me: haha yep ti–

boss: tacos!

me: tacos!

I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

Two year old is in complete denial that her grandpa is my dad. She gets so mad if I tell her

Me as a news anchor:

an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.

When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”

“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”

– my husband right now, probably

According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.

My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.