Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.

Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.

My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.

Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!

If you breakdance you buy dance.

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S

The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist

narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-

toupeed eagle: what?

Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?

Not today, Satan.

Wait, what kind of cookies are those?

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone? ⁣
⁣
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh⁣

People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

THERAPIST: what brings you in today?

ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.

THERAPIST: *starts to cry*

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.

What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.

Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.