I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
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Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.