I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
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Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
You know…for fall…
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
#parenting
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.