I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
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Not even remotely sorry.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice