Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.

Oops

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!

As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.

To clean up or just move. This is the question.

Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”

Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog

My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?

that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.

Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.

amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday

WIFE: Remember to check for firmness

ME: When should kids be allowed to date?

TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo

ME: OK this one is good

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped