I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
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Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
we squint at the sun because it’s bright
we squint at people because they are not…
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken