Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.

Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

Person: What’s your handicap?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.

[on a Ferris wheel]

Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding

[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts

The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting

When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them

If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.

My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.

wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll

My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.

Angel: So the sins are deadly.

God: Yep!

Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?

God: Well, no.

Angel: So why call them deadly?

God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted

Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.

I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”

I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”

Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.

Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

[NYE]

ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*

OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”