I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
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Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Vaping must feel incredible, because NOBODY thinks it looks cool.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
there has never been a better use of this meme
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”