I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
You Might Also Like
Europe. Made in Germany.
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.