I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
You Might Also Like
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.