Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wonders if chickens do the funky people.

i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking

Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.

In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.

So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking

imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now

H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….

Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?

When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.

What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.

They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it

Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?