Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.

Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]

When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny

The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.