[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
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Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*