Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

barbara was highly relatable

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50

To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.

The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..

Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!

Happy weekend !

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy

If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.

me: let’s change your diaper

2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking

[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*

Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.