I am absolutely never leaving this website
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“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”