Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.

It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA

my one true gender

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

BOSS: I want to see you in my office.

ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

I’m awake but I object,

genie: please no
millipede: more legs

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

From mommies.

“How do they get inside?”

CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.

Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*

How fast is milk?

It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.