Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT

“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing

[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries

You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8

Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.

Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into

When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits

Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.

Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant