i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
You Might Also Like
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.