“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
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What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
the saddest jazz hands ever
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
