“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
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HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
<—- homeless romantic
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.