“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
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Gotta love the Dead Kennedys
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me