I am all good here, đđ
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The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
He is just living hist best little life đ
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I WON A HAM TODAY
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I wonât squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you wonât ever get it.
oh you wanna fight?!
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I donât think he ever deleted his profile
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Superman could shit sauerkraut and theyâd still love him. But when I do it, everyoneâs like âgross katieâ, and ânow youâve ruined the hot tub for all of usâ.
[guy whoâs in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i donât need breakfast
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, Iâve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kidsâ plates, so you donât have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: Itâs great, rightâŚ
Dieting Parents:âŚ
App Designer:
Victoriaâs Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Dear Mom & Dad,
Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.
Love,
The best daughter ever
âNeverthelessâ
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Remind the demons under your bed that youâre the landlord, raise the rent.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both