I am all good here, 😂😉
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“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland