I am all good here, 😂😉
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Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.