I am all good here, 😂😉
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My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Who.
Did.
This?
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
Born to be mild.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Velcrow
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.