Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host

I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.

I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.

Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”

Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

*getting murdered*

wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room

[whispers] “you said debriefing”

“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black

Wordle 241 1/6

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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.