Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.

I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.

The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it

Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.

Her: Not at all!

Me: Great!

*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’ve fallen on some hard Times.

HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!

HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.

replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof

I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working

wife *finally falls asleep*
me *opens cupboard door* *every single fucking pot and pan falls out*

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”