“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
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in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.