“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
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Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.