“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
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King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”