“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
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why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
😅😅😅
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Person: I really DO want your honest advice
Me: NO you don’t
P: I DO
Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out
P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.