“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
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My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Things will get butter, keep churning
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Good news
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.