I am also baked goods
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My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Calm down ma’am, the only other people that want your man is local Law Enforcement.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Hey I worked for it too!
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Math at Halloween.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy