Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.

Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.

Me *drooling

It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it

Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”

Me: “oh I see you”

Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”

Me: “yeah floor it”

[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?

Me: *slides tampons across counter*

Cashier: Nevermind…

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.

ME *enters new password*

COMPUTER: Ok

M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?

C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife

Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends