Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😂

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?

me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you

Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.

When you “pspspsp” too hard

Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.

911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.

911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.

911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”

My mind is like a sponge.

It spends most of its time in filthy places.

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

Human are so complicated

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house

Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907

adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”

DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.

Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?

Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.

Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan

Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.

Police say they have several leads

#Police

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.