Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…

to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.

Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

[mocking jay part 2]

jay: come on guys please stop

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again

Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.

GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?

GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?

Boxing is born.

Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog

I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

January has been Januweary

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,

IT’S NOT.

except for that one from earlier

maybe?

Regards,
Ry